Things I have experienced to help a marriage: 5 for the woman, and 5 for the man.

2011-07-31T06:35:00.000-07:00

Five: the number of grace in God's eyes.

Many people have asked me about Don and my marriage and how we get it altogether. We haven't really. It's a journey, and learning about each other will never end. But perhaps there are some things to share that will help others, especially those who are still single and looking for a partner.

My parents' own marriage have always been and always will be a shambles. Over 40 years they have lived and fought and still fight. Watching them has pushed me at a very early age to sift out the essence of what truly constitutes a happy marriage. I refuse to succumb to hopelessness and negativity that there can be no real happy marriage. To me, a happy union is a matter of choice. Yes, there are 2 parties involved, but there is only variable, which is to learn how to communicate and relate. We need self-awareness, which unfortunately nobody ever teaches, and we need to repent with humility when we're wrong.

Sometimes, people don't know and can't communicate what they want until it's too late. I hope this note helps to articulate some of these thoughts that commonly run through a husband and a wife. There are always exceptions but most self-help books I've read say the same thing. And it's exactly what I've encountered through my 13 years of marriage. So here they are. I've tried to summarize 5 things for the woman to look out for and 5 things for the man.

For the woman:

1) Always feed him when he's hungry. There's a reason for the adage: "A hungry man is an angry man".

2) Never talk to a man about his career when he's just starting out. Or worse, in between jobs (which includes being unemployed or fired. An unemployed man should always be referred to as being in between jobs. They're not jobless!) Don't bring up the subject unless he starts the topic first. Not even to ask, "How's your day?" when he is looking for a job. They can't take the stress! Everything just sounds like you're putting him down for not having a job.

3) Men are generally creatures of habit. They don't like being told to change in their behavior or habits. Don't talk about their problem areas unless you have a full strategy thought through as to how you're going to activate damage control if the situation calls for it, such as, first feeding him well, then assessing his countenance to see if it's the right time, or broaching such subjects when he is successfully adapted at his job, or when he starts talking about it in general. This is a tricky move to make and most marriages make or break depending on how the woman maneuvers herself to get her desired results. Lots of trials and errors required. Be ready to make damage control. Make-up sex helps.

4) Don't talk about his hair if he doesn't start the topic first. Men are extremely sensitive about their crowning glory. So don't pass sweeping remarks or look at his hair unnecessarily unless it's to commend on its fullness or trendy style.

5) Take every opportunity to tell a man what you respect or admire about him. Men don't need to hear you say, "I love you" as much as they need to hear you say, "I admire you for...." or "I respect you for...". This has done wonders for my marriage.

For the man:

1) Don't touch on the subject of weight, ever, unless she brings it up, and when she does, she's not waiting to hear the truth. She's looking for reassurance, so do whatever it takes for what your woman would like for reassurance. If she likes hugging or snuggling, then do those. If she likes to hear you say, "I love you," then say it. Unlike men who are almost all the same, women are unique. Every woman is to be delicately handled for their own unique likes and dislikes.

2) Most men think they need to satisfy their women in bed. But really, nothing satisfies a woman more than a man who does housekeeping excellently. Women generally have strong intrinsic urges to do laundry, tidy and clean the house. Do note that different women have different standards, so whilst one woman accepts a cup to be left in the sink till tomorrow, another woman would have your hand cut off for daring to leave an uncleaned cup in HER sink. Always observe and clean to your woman's standards. If you help out around the house to her standards, you can be assured you'll have an extremely happy and satisfied woman. Sex does not satisfy her as much as doing housework for her would.

3) Nothing is worse to a woman than finding that when she's working her ass off around the house looking after the kids and doing housework, the man's merely sitting around, reading newspapers or worse, sleeping in. Women always feel the need to help others. So if their men don't help them, it's almost like the unpardonable sin. It's to women, a most selfish act they cannot comprehend. There's actually even possibly a deep sense of betrayal just seeing her man not helping her when she's so tired herself. So if you come home and are real tired, whilst you don't feel like helping her as she does the dishes, you're actually hurting her. Any woman who says she doesn't mind you not helping her is simply afraid she'd be disappointed if she did asked you and you said no. You must remember the underlying principle that women like to do things together, like going toilet together with her girlfriends, cooking and cleaning together, that's what they love to do with friends and they feel energised when things are done with their friends. And you are her "best" friend. So if you help out and talk to her whilst helping out, you're likely to receive the "Husband of the Year" award! But if you don't, it's like you've betrayed her trust.

4) Money and career standing are important to a woman, but only as much as it brings material comforts. More than having such good-to-have satisfactions, women like to see themselves as the pillars of their men's lives. They like to be the one who've changed a man and made him who he is. So if you're already rich and of good career standing, women still like to be acknowledged as the one who is the strength of your life. Do that, and you're likely to be their hero forever. Even if you're not yet made it career-wise, if you simply tell your wife how much you know she's done for the family and how much you appreciate her, all these words will be like honey to her ears. You'll be strongly reassuring her of her position in the house.

5) Women like their men to always be developing themselves beyond their current standing. If you haven't got paper qualifications, you should start doing some courses to get them. No woman wants to marry a man who has decided to remain without educational qualification, earning the lowest income band in the country and be in a job with no career prospects for the rest of his life. It's ok to start out poor, but no woman will be happy with a man not wanting to develop himself to the fullest of his potential. This is probably the hardest thing to do since again, understanding that men are creatures of habit, some men might find this exhausting. But unfortunately, this is often also what makes or breaks a marriage.

Whilst the above is not a bible on relationships, I hope the notes find their way to become of use to those who need them and brings light to those in darkness over their relationships.

Staring At A New Life

2008-11-25T21:16:00.000-08:00

Starting a new blog invariably inspires me to put something out here.

A past reflection, a future dream, a present moment to remember.

It was with much nostalgia that I celebrate my 35th birthday last Friday. Thirty-five is like a halfway road in my life. It's like the next time I say thirty-five years have passed, I'll be seventy. Wow.

Most people have done something great with their lives by the age of 35. Either they've borne 3 children or they've made it somewhere brilliant with their careers. Me? No kids, no ambition.

I would like to think that I am enjoying myself doing something I like, but really, I couldn't even say that. If I don't think about it, I won't feel I'm pathetic, but if I do think about it, it feels rather like a low point in my life.

Perhaps this is the middle-age crisis people talk about all the time. I could never understand that before, but now I do.

It's the point in your life that you're physically on the podgy side, mentally frustrated at every corner of decision you've made or are about to make, and psychologically unstable about who you are, what you represent, the potential, and hence, purpose and meaning of your life. It seems as if the colors on the slate of my life was wiped clean in one instant and darkness enshrouds it.

There's no 'trying to understand myself', no 'I will feel better if I think this way', no 'if I do this I will feel better'. Just a daunting wondering of the if-onlys and what-ifs.

They say it's all a matter of choice, that at some point, you choose to rejoice and be content.

The problem is, the fact that we have a choice becomes real dim when you're undergoing this middle-age crisis.

Some may argue I shouldn't call it, 'middle-age crisis'. Shouldn't call it anything really, because it isn't anything.

Just choose joy, and you'll be fine.

Choose life, and all will be well.

Would I be able to, I wonder?

2008-11-25T20:44:00.000-08:00

Opening a new blog to document our life together in the US.

Don & Kat's Life in the USA

Things I have experienced to help a marriage: 5 for the woman, and 5 for the man.

Staring At A New Life